


Do you have bunions?

by bbassae



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: A Couple People Die, Alternate Universe - Idols, Attempt at Humor, Brain Dump, Bunions, Chnayeol Develops Mental Issues, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, I'm Not Ashamed, Or am I, Sorry Not Sorry, Tell Me Im Pretty, This Is STUPID
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-14
Updated: 2017-03-14
Packaged: 2018-10-04 15:48:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10282460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bbassae/pseuds/bbassae
Summary: “Do you have bunions?”He was met with a hard sniffle and wide eyes. All of a sudden, Minseok crawled practically into Chanyeol's lap.“How did you know about them?”





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is something my friend convinced me to write after hearing a bunion ad on the bus. 6 hours later, it's completed. A mess, but completed.

Exo, “the world’s biggest boyband” per vogue, was number one on almost every chart. Weekly? Monthly? Of the year? They topped them all. Talent aside, when it came to the looks department, all were sculpted by the gods except for one.  
“Read this.” Chanyeol, the hottest member of Exo, according to a plethora of fan-held polls, said. He wasn’t aiming for anyone in particular to come over, so when he felt a presence looming, he didn’t check who it was. “Minseok keeps getting the lowest number of votes. Tao leaving bumped him down.”  
“Hey, I’m not that ugly.” Minseok, the one who responded to Chanyeol's initial call, whined. Despite being the oldest, Minseok acted like a child. It would have been acceptable or mildly irritating if he was cute, but that was definitely not the word to describe him.   
“Eh,” Chanyeol dragged out. “You’re no me.” The hotter was very aware of his superior looks. Having the millions of fangirls back him up on it just made him cockier. “But under all of that,” he gestured to Minseok, “is a heart of bronze that anybody that doesn’t know me would settle for.” Chanyeol finished it off with a bright smile before turning back to the computer to read comments about himself.  
“Why am I so ugly?” Minseok huffed and plopped on a nearby chair. The chair upon impact yelled in protest before collapsing right under the immense weight of the human.  
“Lose some weight,” the chair panted, “you fat ass.” Minseok stood up, brushing splintered wood from his bottom and looked at the pile beneath him with an empty stare.   
As Minseok locked himself in his room and cried about being ugly and fat, the other members in the dorm went outside to hold a short memorial service for the 4th object to have broken due to Minseok’s…special circumstances. It was later buried right next to the shattered mirror buried 4 days prior.  
When the other members went back inside, the blubbering emitting from down the hall drove them all crazy. Jongdae hid under the couch, later joined by Baekhyun, and Jongin ran away to “live with the wild dogs because their constant howling is better.”  
Fed up, those remaining in the dorm conducted a poll to see who would go in to tell Minseok off for disrupting whatever they could have been doing. Through what Chanyeol would call a technicality since his main man Jongin fled, the elected representative was no other than himself.  
Since he’d already seen enough of the other’s face to last a lifetime, he protested by threatening to cut everybody up in their sleep, but an aggravated Kyungsoo rammed into his towering body, effectively knocking him out cold.  
When Chanyeol came to, it was to Minseok’s swollen, tear stained face, way too close for comfort. Swallowing his breakfast back down, he scooted away and mentally prepared himself to hold a proper conversation with the man to his front.  
“Hey, don’t cry” was all Chanyeol could say because how is he supposed to comfort the other? Tell him he is really sexy? That’d be an obvious lie. Instead, without thinking, he blurted the first thing that came to mind.   
“Do you have bunions?”  
He was met with a hard sniffle, and wide eyes. All of a sudden, Minseok crawled practically into Chanyeol's lap.  
“How did you know about them? I’ve never shown anyone.” Minseok asked with a weak voice.  
“Wait, you really have bunions?” Chanyeol's question was answered by Minseok’s hesitant nodding. “I just thought that bunions were for old people. Like my grandma. She got real ugly after her bunions spread from her feet. How bad are they for you to be like…this? Were you hot before?”  
Without warning, Minseok ripped his shirt in half, splitting right down the middle to show off the worst of the bunions that unnaturally littered his chest.  
“Holy shit.” Chanyeol choked out as everything he’d eaten for the past year made its way up and out, covering both him and Minseok. The vomit smelled worse than the time Jongin was stuck in the bathroom for 2 days after eating a can of Vivi’s dog food, but it covered up the grotesqueness that was Minseok to the point where Chanyeol could look at him normally. “You don’t look that bad once, ya know, all that is dealt with. Why don’t you get the bunions treated?” Chanyeol suggested.  
“If I were to get them treated, it would need to be a medical procedure, and I’m too afraid of going under the knife.” Minseok explained sadly.  
“Yeah, me too.” Chanyeol agreed, covering his nose a bit with his hand. “but with it all covered, even like this, you look so much better. I’d actually rate you as something on the scale now.”  
“Really?” Minseok asked, hopeful. “Maybe I will get the surgery.”  
“Yes, puhlease.” Chanyeol whispered.  
“What was that?” Minseok questioned.  
“Nothing.”

Chanyeol, cleaned and as beautiful as ever was horrified to see a depressed Minseok sitting and sighing, very loudly, on a now caved in couch. He was planning to ignore it, but when the depressed man noticed his presence, it followed him everywhere, increasing the volume of its sighs.  
“Yes, Minseok. What?” Chanyeol breathed out, unable to ignore it any more.  
“They denied me. Now I’m stuck like this forever.” Minseok’s eyes started tearing up, and from the corner of the wall just behind him popped 6 heads on top of each other, all with a pointed look that could clearly be identified as you’d-better-hush-him-up-now look.  
“No, there is something we can do, right? Can we like, I don’t know, grind them down?” Chanyeol suggested. That is how they ended up with Minseok lying on the ground, littered with bent and busted cheese graters, with an exhausted Chanyeol straddling him.  
“What do you want for din-,” Kyungsoo started, but the sight before him cut his words short as he promptly fell to the ground.  
The two boys’ project was halted as they held a mass burial of the cheese graters and Kyungsoo. They had a nice spot next to Vivi’s dog house prepared. When Jongdae finished placing the small human’s corpse in the grave, a growling was heard from nearby.  
Out of the doghouse came a growling Jongin on all fours followed by a yipping Vivi. They jumped into the hole and came out with Kyungsoo’s shirt held firmly in their mouths. The pair dragged him away, but hardly anyone payed attention to them, too overcome with emotion at the loss of their best graters.  
“Me and my nachos will miss you.” Sehun said, cradling cheeseless nachos into his chest.  
After the funeral, they shared Sehun’s nachos then Minseok and Chanyeol branched off to finish their initial quest.   
Now behind a locked door, Chanyeol pulled out a pair of loppers to continue the job. He surrounded a bulging knot and squeezed. He was not met with the bunion falling to the floor but the loppers breaking in half and tumbling to the floor. Chanyeol, with a huff, put them in a cardboard box to deal with later.  
“I’ll be right back.” Chanyeol excused, determined to defeat the damned things.   
Chanyeol went to the local hardware store and purchased something he believed would get the job done. Wooing the cashier to get out of paying money for it, he headed back to the dorm to get rid of the nuisances.   
Chanyeol waltzed into the room with a smug face, confident that his plan would be fruitful. Behind him was a long chord that disappeared around the corner. He reclaimed his spot over Minseok’s hips and pulled out his tool of choice: a chainsaw.  
Chanyeol held the chainsaw above his head and revved it for good luck. He pressed the trigger a bit and leveled the rotating teeth to the base of a bunion. Pressing the chainsaw in to the knot on created a horrible smell, but when removed, an obvious dent could be seen. Progress!  
Chanyeol kicked it up a notch, going half power and set the blade in the notch he created before. It hissed in protest for a moment then began working, slowly but surely, through the outer layers.   
When it got to the core, Chanyeol had to pull the trigger until his finger cramped, but the excitement of it all blinded him to the sensation as well as the sudden flash of light before the lights in the entire dorm dimmed to a faint glow due to how much power it took to work through the bundles.  
During the hours with hardly any light, Baekhyun tripped on the edge of a carpet and flung onto the TV, electrocuting himself. Joonmyeon took him to the hospital to tend to his burn wounds.  
Chanyeol added some finishing touches, a chunk here, a chunk there, and finally, done.  
He cleared the clumps from Minseok’s body and woke him up then stepped back to view his handy work.   
It was beautiful. Underneath all the rough bulges were abs, a thin waist, and a perky booty.   
“You’re gorgeous.” Chanyeol cried.  
“You’re lying. You don’t have to do this to me. See? You’re crying. I’ll be fine living as the ugly duckling forever.” Minseok said. He bent over in defeat, and his back muscles responded with a sexy ripple.   
“Oh, my God. Please forgive me, for I have sinned. This beautiful man.” Chanyeol prayed. “You have become a rival opponent.” He held up a hand-held mirror that spawned out of nowhere and held it out to Minseok so he could check himself out.   
Minseok took it in his hands and was awed at what looked back at him. Forgetting about the mirror, he dropped it and ran to the nearest chair. When he sat in it, it didn’t squeak or collapse or anything. With a cry of joy, he ran out the front door and screamed through the streets.   
“That must have been 30 pounds of bunion,” Chanyeol said in disgust as he swept up the hacked-off bits and disposed of them in the box with the loppers.   
When Minseok didn’t come back by the time Chanyeol's takeout came, since Kyungsoo was the only one who knew how to cook anything edible, he took to the internet to learn of his whereabouts. And maybe check up on his status as hottest member of Exo. The first forum was surprising though.  
Breaking news, Park Chanyeol gone crazy?  
Fans camping outside of their dorm claim to have untampered evidence that Chanyeol has been harming his members to regain his position as hottest member after Jongin was voted best looking in the latest polls. His wolf concept has taken the world by storm…  
Chanyeol was appalled at the accusation, but Jongin? Him of all people? He wondered briefly before going back to read the rest of the article.  
Kim Minseok has also been seen parading the streets flaunting his new stunning bod. Will he finally make it off of the bottom of the list and climb to the top?  
Chanyeol had to take a minute to collect his wandering thoughts. Minseok was beautiful for hardly an hour, and he’s already filled the whole fandom with lies. Scrolling to the bottom, the “evidence” they were talking about rested with thousands of comments already beneath it.  
The picture was an HD shot of Chanyeol holding a chainsaw over a seemingly cowering Minseok. The whole situation enraged Chanyeol to the point that he swiped everything off of the computer table, sin the actual computer, in a fit.  
“I’m the hot one!” Chanyeol yelled.  
To cheer himself up, he went onto the official SM page and commented, anonymously, “This is so mean. Chanyeol-oppa doesn’t deserve this slander. He will always be number one in the looks department to every true fan.”   
Not even two seconds after the comment was posted, his computer was dinged with an alert warning him not to spread fake news.  
“Alternative facts.” Chanyeol corrected, teeth gritting.  
He was about to go into another fit of rage, already seeing the red creep around the edges of his vision when Minseok came through the front door.   
Saving his face, he hid the storm brewing inside him behind a blinding smile. “Takeout?” Chanyeol asked, holding out a half-eaten container of Chinese food. Minseok took him up on his offer, then Chanyeol excused himself so he could properly plot.  
Pacing around the room worked in the movies and dramas, so he tested it out. He stubbed his toe on a box laying on the ground on the 4th lap. Cursing, Chanyeol purposefully kicked the box, sending the contents sprawling across the floor. Blocks of bunion scattered, and suddenly, and idea popped into his head. Undo what has been done.  
He gathered the pieces and brought it to his room. There, he further formulated his plans to make Minseok back to the person he was before.   
Chanyeol threw a bottle of tacky glue, sheets of paper, and a sheet mask into the box with the chunks.   
“Minseok?” Chanyeol called tentatively. “You want a spa night to commemorate your new appearance?” Chanyeol asked through gritted teeth.  
Minseok agreed and laid back with the face mask as Chanyeol “waxed his stomach for the perfect happy trail.”  
The first few were saliva covered strips of paper applied to and removed from Minseok’s skin to give off the feeling of being waxed, not that any parlor would have waxed Minseok before, then, after soft snores came from Minseok, he started gluing the chunks from the box back onto the sleeping’s supple skin.   
Right before the last piece was applied, Minseok yawned and observed his surroundings, stopping at the sight of his removed bunions being crudely reattached.   
Before he could question anything, Chanyeol freaked and punched him right in his moisturized face. 

Park Chanyeol to debut as a solo artist under SMent next week, 9 months after the disbanding of Exo due to the disappearance of all members except for him. See article PCgc. This time, he is guaranteed a permanent spot as the hottest member of his solo career.


End file.
